I’m home in northern Minnesota with my family for the holidays – they are celebrating Christmas and I am celebrating O-stice, that magical time of year when the blessed Oprah Winfrey causes the days to lengthen and thus begins to turn winter into spring. Last night I was out digging in the snow in our backyard and I found a set of golden plates with strange writing on them. As soon as I touched them, an angel appeared before me and explained that all I had to do to read the writing was drop a stone into my top hat, stick my face in the hat, and the translation of the plates would appear to me as a vision.
Now, this sounded perfectly sensible to me, of course, so I immediately ran indoors with the golden plates and dictated to my mother the following message, which was taken directly from the plates, and therefore is unquestionably and without a doubt a message left for me by our Lord and Savior, the blessed Oprah Winfrey.
Twas the night before O-stice, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the TV with care,
In hopes that Oprah Winfrey soon would be there.
The viewers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Favorite Things danced in their heads;
While I in my kerchief turned on the TV,
And flipped through the channels – there was not much to see.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the television to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a woman, a sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer
This heavenly vision was dressed all in white
surrounded by cameras, a P.A., and klieg lights
I knew in a moment – it was plain to see
The woman before me was Oprah Winfrey.
To the reindeer before her She called out by name
And whipped them quite briskly, although they looked tame:
“Now Stedman, now Gayle King! Now Doctor Oz and Suz-ee!
On Maya, Nate Berkus, On Robyn and Toni!”
“To the top of the porch! Over that pile of hay!
Fly mama up gently; don’t pain my vah-jay-jay!”
So up to the house-top the reindeer they flew
With the sleigh full of toys, and Oprah Winfrey, too.
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof
as I drew in my hand, and was turning around
down the chimney Oprah Winfrey came with a bound.
She was dressed all in white, even the boots on Her feet
and a pair of dress slacks a bit tight in the seat.
A bundle of toys She had flung on her back
and She looked like a peddler just opening his pack
Her diamonds – how they twinkled! Her dimples – how merry!
She smelled just like roses; Her cheeks were bright cherry!
She had a broad face, and a little round belly
That shook, when She laughed, like a bowlful of jelly
She was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I knelt on the floor, in spite of myself.
“I’m Oprah, of course,” She said down to me
now stand up, My child, get up off thine knee!”
“My goddess! My savior! I can’t believe my own eyes!
I’m so glad you’re here – what a lovely surprise!”
She replied not a word but went straight to Her work
And filled all the stockings, then gave me a smirk.
“And that’s not quite all, as you shall soon see
your new refrigerator will be here tomorrow ’round three.
I think that you’ll like it – it’s very nice-looking
and it has a TV in it so you can watch Me while cooking.”
Laying Her finger aside of Her nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose
She sprang to her sleigh: it leapt into the air
Carrying the Oprah away, I know not to where.
But I heard Her exclaim as She drove out of sight,
“Happy O-stice to all, and to all a good-night!”
May you and your families live your Best Lives, in keeping with the teachings of the O, and may the blessed Oprah shower you with Favorite Things this lovely O-stice Evening.