Good News! These Guys Are Going To Rape You!

I had a lovely Christmas vacation at home with my family (with the exception of Handsome Mister Goats, who as previously mentioned stayed in NYC for Christmas.)  My aunt unexpectedly gave me a quilt she had made, a lovely thing done in my favorite colors: blue, periwinkle, and every other shade of blue except turquoise (which I don’t like).  I can’t even imagine how much time it took to make – the quilting was all done by hand and it’s just the prettiest thing.  I’ll have to put a picture of it up later – it’s remarkable a single person would have the dedication to make one, and I think that it’s about the 8th one she’s made: I think she was making them for her children followed by nieces & nephews in descending order by age, so I’m near the bottom of the list.  I’m glad she didn’t get tired of making them before she got to me.  In a double stroke of luck, all the stuff my parents ordered on Amazon for me was going to arrive late, so they sent it directly to my apartment in NYC, thus freeing up valuable quilt space in my luggage, and even more remarkably, despite a weather-related delay out of Duluth, Northwest Airlines did not lose my luggage.  We’ve put the quilt as an extremely carefully placed “throw” on the couch in our bedroom so I can gaze at it fondly.

While in church for Christmas Eve services with my parents, I picked up the Good News Bible to take a quick flip through – I like to see what perverted things I can find in the Bible whenever I happen to find myself bored in church, you see, because it’s the only acceptable thing that one can read there.  (In the Church of O, however, it’s perfectly acceptable to read any Book Club Selection, O magazine, or even that low-fat cookbook by her old cook Rosie if you like.)  Anyway, I normally read through Judges 19:22, which is pretty sick, what with the concubines and gang rape and all, but then I flipped a little earlier in the chapter to the story of Samson.  As a kid in Bible school I guess they skip right to the end to the part about the haircut, because I didn’t remember hearing previously the rather blatant assholism perpetrated by SamsonYeesh!  Whoever wrote that book was one sick ticket, let me tell you.  Any time Samson gets angry – and he got angry a lot – he just slaughters vast numbers of people, and for piddly reasons – he marries some chick, and at the wedding asks a “riddle” that’s not really much of a riddle:

Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness.

The “answer” is that Samson saw a beehive in a lion carcass, but I fail to see  how that’s a riddle.  Anyways, Samson’s new wife tells the bridal party the “answer “to the “riddle,” and Samson gets so angry that he kills the bridal party and leaves his wife.  Then some random amount of time later, he returns and decides that he’d like to fuck his wife – the one he abandoned after slaughtering her wedding party – but his father mentions that he gave that particular wife away to a friend, and thoughtfully suggests Samson fuck her younger sister instead.

Samson doesn’t like that idea, and ties burning torches into the tails of 150 pairs of foxes and sets them free in the cornfield of the Philistines, thus managing to not only destroy the cornfield but to do so in the most un-PETA-like manner possible.  The Philistines are angry, and for some reason feel that the best way to express their anger is to burn the given-away wife to death.  The stories in Judges all seem to end with some woman who was treated like a piece of shit all her life being burned or raped to death. 

So that’s what I was thinking about on Christmas Eve.  I’m not sure why people think the Bible is such a great book, but I think it’s probably because they haven’t read it.

That is all.


About DavisMcDavis

I'm Davis McDavis. Oprah loves me, this I know, for my TV tells me so.
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8 Responses to Good News! These Guys Are Going To Rape You!

  1. Eric says:

    It’s not that they haven’t read it, it’s that they can’t understand the language.  After all, King James English is the oldest language in the history of the world, what with it being the language of the Bible and all and therefore predating everything, including Zeus and Zoroaster.  Therefore, great scholars like Mike Huckabee are required to “explain” the “various meanings” of weird words like thine, thou, thouest, and “she pleased him well.”

  2. CallMeQuell says:

    To add on the comment above, also he “knew” her.Ever went to Song of Solomon? It’s not so much titillating as amusing.Samson was an asshole. That’s why he sucked at being God’s chosen guy or whatever. God did better later on, and picked pussies instead.

  3. Samson sounds like the perfect Christian.

  4. slapsomeone says:

    The old testament “God” is a perfect mix of Quentin Tarantino and John Hughes. The buff, strong guy is always in charge and commands respect, ala John Hughes, and there’s loads of really fucked up violence, ala Tarantino.Just goes to prove what I’ve been saying for years: 98% of the people on this planet are fucking douchebags.

  5. See that’s why whenever people ask what made me give up on the whole christian thing my answer is always “reading the Bible.”

  6. roarz says:

    you go to church?

  7. Ahaha – so did you sit there during the whole service, feverishly writing in your moleskine?

  8. colfior says:

    I can’t believe people think the church is sexist!  Everytime I read the old testament I get annoyed.  I thought Job was my least favorite story, but I guess I have to reread Samson cause much like most of my Catholic School upbringing I must have blocked this one out!

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