The Dark Lord

I’ve been on vacation this week in Fort Lauderdale with Handsome Mister Goats and Handsome Mister Goats’ Blackberry, which I have nicknamed The Dark Lord.  I don’t know if you are familiar with these devices, but a Blackberry is a small electronic thing that Satan poops out of his asshole that allows you to read and respond to email no matter where you are or what you are doing – driving, having dinner, or listening to me ramble on about what’s been happening lately on Lost.  Anything!  It was creating a little tension between us until I introduced a new rule – “no talking to me while holding or looking at the Dark Lord” – and that totally worked, and we had a fantastic time.

Remember that scene on Seinfeld when Elain grabbed George’s toupee and screamed, “I DON’T LIKE THIS THING!!!” and then threw it out the window?  I was thinking of that scene a few times before I thought of my new rule.

The other neat thing about a Blackberry, aside from the fact that it’s an actual piece of demon spawn forged in the fiery pits of hell,  is that they have teeny, tiny little screens, so I’m able to send email to people I that I work with, and they don’t have to look at more than the two or three words on the screen before they can immediately respond with questions that are answered lower down in the email they are responding to, thus seeming to save valuable seconds of using the scroll wheel on the revolting thing.  Something that might normally take just two emails to clear up can thusly be broken into several additional question-and-answer sections as you forward each tiny bit of information to the device’s reading screen to interact with the 50% of the person’s attention that you can get while they go about the rest of their day in a zombified haze of Blackberry-induced emailing.  Isn’t tech-mology amazing?

But I don’t have one of those things myself, so I actually had quite a lovely vacation, and the WiFi at the hotel was broken so I didn’t have a chance to blog with you kiddies – it was all lounging by the pool reading a concordance on Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series for me.  For those of you familiar with the The Dark Tower series (Hi, Brian!), I also considered “Black 13” as a nickname, due to the similarities between “an evil magic ball that consumes all those who use its dark powers” and “a Blackberry.”  Actually, there is a slight difference, though –  Black 13 runs on the power of all that is evil in every universe, but you need to recharge a Blackberry.

Ooh, neat!  I just looked up the hotel we stayed at so I could link to it, and realized that the adorable little man who cleaned the rooms is featured in photo #15 in the photo gallery in a bikini, which unfortunately was not his outfit when on duty.  Despite the rather casual nature of the hotel, he remained fully dressed at all times.  But isn’t he a cutie pie?   Lawsamercy, I should have asked him for some more towels….

That is all


About DavisMcDavis

I'm Davis McDavis. Oprah loves me, this I know, for my TV tells me so.
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6 Responses to The Dark Lord

  1. I like the name ‘Blackberry’ anyway.

  2. The Blackberry is actually the reason why I am now unemployed. And funny enough, I quit over the Blackberry. I actually sent the letter of resignation from my Blackberry to my boss’s Blackberry. There really is nothing more evil in the world. I concur with thee.

  3. TexasAlan says:

    DearBoy has a Blackberry. I hate that fuckin’ thing. I’m sorry, but he’s not important enough to have one. He’s not a CEO of a company nor is he in charge of people’s lives. He doesn’t need to to sit there and email people while we’re watching Law and Order: Mariska Hargitay. I join you on your quest to throw them out the windows.

  4. bobcatg says:

    So the Blackberry DOES have thorns, hmmmm……I hate anything that enables someone to be pretending to drive an SUV down the street while actually looking into their little biddy screen to text someone at the same time. Apparently we will depend on the economy totally tanking or Jesus to start bitch-slapping folks at traffic intersections before folks’ll wise up.

  5. colfior says:

    As cute as the man who cleaned your rooms is, you are not allowed to go there again unless they get internet access.  My first week in the office with the boring new staff and I had nothing funny from you to read all week, it was very sad!
    Blackberry’s and texting in general should always be forbidden when out to dinner!

  6. That guy was your maid?! NICE!
    I had a Blackberry at my former job. I would put it on the kitchen counter each evening after I got home from work. I dreaded hearing that son of a bitch skitter across the counter with each incoming email. I am bad about charging things, so having my job depend on charging something was really hell for me. Plus, it meant I was answering work-related email for 18 hours a day. It was awful.

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