The Raccoon Eyes Have It

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Shelley Novak and a fan

Gentle reader Shelley Novak is a Miami-based “enter-tainter” who I’ve met a couple of times on my vacations to sunny Florida with Mister Goats.  We sadly missed her on our this last trip as we decided to stay in Fort Lauderdale at one of their many, many all-male clothing-optional gay hotels rather than in Miami.  (For some reason, all the gay hotels in Fort Lauderdale are clothing optional.) 

But on my previous trips to Miami, Shelley and I have met up at an out-of-the-way gay bar slash laundromat (really!) behind a parking ramp off the Lincoln Road Mall.  I thought it was just squealingly fun to hang out after my bedtime in such a delightfully silly location with glamorous companions, and when we, along with Shelley’s friend Joanna Mills, stepped out into the alleyway to reenact the Maui Wowie scene from 9 to 5, Joanna relayed the following story, which I’ll try to tell as best as I remember in such difficult-to-remember circumstances:


Joanna Mills

There was a perforated concrete barrier about shoulder height across the alley, and Joanna pointed to it and mentioned that very late one evening, she had stopped by one late evening to “shake the dew off the lily,” as they say, against the barrier, and after untucking her less womanly parts and commencing the dew-shaking, she realized that there was a sort of wet thumping sound coming from the other side of the barrier.  She peeked around to catch sight of a gentleman and ladyfriend who were on the other side of the barrier  – it appeared that the woman was bent over – very likely to pick up a lost contact, I’d assume – and the gentleman was behind her and bumping into her repeatedly – it was likely because he was in a hurry to get going, I’d assume, once she found her contact

The woman, it may be noted, although it’s irrelevant, seemed to be an actual lady who was born that way, unlike the rest of the ladies in this story.  (Somehow I feel the ladies I know would have found a cleaner alley, or even gone indoors, would that they would want to drop, and then recover, a lost contact.)

So anyway, just as Joanna realizes the origin of the sound and the fury, she pops her head back around out of sight just as the woman yelled out, “Ugh, Gawd!  This alley smells like piss!” 

What I like about the story is that it’s one of those times when you can tell the person, “Yes, but actually, it’s worse than that…”  as in, “Yes, it DOES smell like piss! And actually you’re being peed on right now!”

So just recently Shelley forwarded me the genius bit of video below, which I’d heard about before but never seen.  I can see now, though, that it is CLEARLY the inspiration for Brenda Dickson’s video:

I’d sort of forgotten it, but there really were far too many instructional videos in the 80’s, weren’t there?  They even had exercise videos by people who didn’t exercise – like Zsa Zsa Gabor – or people who weren’t technically famous enough to warrant an exercise video, like Sandahl Bergman.  Or videos that were just gay porn in disguise.  (Seriously – the “warm up” section of that video is just closeups of Dolph’s muscles and is about as “instructional” as looking at Chris in his underpants, which is to say not educational at all.)

The part I find most unusual is that Donna Mill’s video is presumably aimed at women, since it has makeup tips, but  is shot in a sort of sexy soft porn soft focus, an Elizbethan Taylorish misty dreamworld, and shows Donna in what I believe Spy magazine would have referred to as her “semi-masturbatory bath ritual.”  I guess it’s a video for the enjoyment of very, very glamorous lesbians?  I can’t really think of why Donna Mills is letting out fevered little gasps as she sponges herself if this is aimed at housewives, or if a man looking for a stroke video would be able to tug one out when Donna keeps talking about foundation.  Maybe she’s just unable to figure out when it’s inappopriate to act sexy, and just acts sexy all the time.  I can think of no other explanation for the way she humps the doorframe 15 seconds in, can you?  It’s a real puzzlement!  

Also it’s pretty hilarious to watch someone with a full – and I mean FULL – face of makeup put on even more makeup on top of the other makeup, makeup that was already so thickly spackled on that it didn’t even wash off in the tub while she masturbated.  Awesome!  I think I’m going to go watch the whole set now. 

That is all.


About DavisMcDavis

I'm Davis McDavis. Oprah loves me, this I know, for my TV tells me so.
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2 Responses to The Raccoon Eyes Have It

  1. I don’t see how anyone can pee outside. I can barely manage inside. I love Donna Mills. I wish Oprah would buy her a condo.

  2. “Believe me, fingers are the best tool to use…”

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