Steal My Sunshine

I don’t know if you’ve seen these floating around the internets:

untitled

barackonphone

bush_phone_upsidedown

When I saw the Barack picture I thought, “Well, I know he’s not THAT dumb,” but back when the Bush version came out, it just confirmed what I thought so I never questioned it.  It’s too bad Republicans can never think of their own gags – like when they tried to repurpose old dumb Dan Quayle quotes as “Dumb things John Kerry said.”  It just never works out – Republicans are selfish asshole retard closet gays with no understanding of non-white people, and Democrats are arrogant faggot liberals who want to turn the whole country commie and get fucked up the ass by Osama Bin Laden.  Reversing it and making a joke about an ignorant hick liberal, or an overly-generous and caring Republican just doesn’t work!  If they weren’t so busy warmongering they would realize it.  Le sigh.

I was so cheerful after my Fort Lauderdale vacation that I finished doing my taxes right after we got home, despite the ever-present temptation of further riches available to me within the tax-free World of Warcraft, and decided that I would spend part of my tax refund on a light box so that I can chase away my self-diagnosed seasonal-affective disorder.  Since the treatment for doctor-diagnosed S.A.D. is to sit in front of a light box for 30 minutes a day, and you can buy one on Amazon for $130, I figured I would cut out the middleman and purchase the box and at the worst I’d end up with an overpriced, oddly-shaped desk lamp.

I got it yesterday and although I’ve only used it twice – once yesterday and once this morning – I really think it’s already working, and here’s why:  I recently just got my first paycheck with my new raise in it, and my after-tax earnings increase is…are you ready…$9 per  paycheck.  $9 as in “not quite ten dollars,” or “76% of the entrace fee to a showing of Juno,”  or “in just seven months it’ll pay for your light box!”  While the fact that my raise is actually totally unnoticeable should really annoy me, I’m actually okay with it, reassuring myself with Pollyanna-isms like “Well, it starts out as $70 more per check, it’s just that those dollars never actually make it out and into the check by the end of the deductions!  Hurray!  Let’s eat cake in front of the light box!” 

This morning I was doing some light reading (get it?) in front of the box while I waited for Handsome Mister Goats to get out of the bathroom, and I realized that I needed to get in to the bathroom as soon as I could possibly manage.  I spent an uncomfortable 20 minutes waiting, and then went to the bathroom to let Mister Goats know that my use of the facilities – however brief – would be greatly appreciated.  He asked for two additional minutes, and when I returned two minutes later he said “I TOLD YOU TWO MINUTES!!!” and flipped his hair around some more and got angry with me because “[I] should have told [him] that it was an emergency. ” 

[The thing is, he has grown his hair out to an extrodinary length lately, a length which makes his hair-flipping habit only slightly less frequent than his Blackberry-looking habit, and he has some sort of drying and flipping routine that takes 10 minutes and is extremely serious and uninterruptible, or else “it will dry wrong.”  So I am loathe to interrupt this process, is what I am saying, and it was only the fear of pooping my pants that made me ask to use the bathroom the first time.  I thought my mere discomfort would warrant his hurrying up or delaying the hair routine, but I was wrong, and the urgency of my desire to use the facilities unfortunately hampered by ability to properly inform Mister Goats of the same. ]

Anyway, to make a long story short, within three minutes I’d emerged from the bathroom with a feeling of light-hearted relief and joy that, despite our brief spat, has stayed with me through an early-morning sales meeting and what promises to be a grey morning and rainy afternoon.  But who cares about rain if I got my box of sunshine at home?  Does it really matter that Lost is on hiatus for another freaking month?  Should I be sad that Republicans are busy photoshopping Obama to make him look stupid in the only language Bush supporters understand? (That language being “pictures.”)? 

All right, I’m going to go do some work now, but I’m really excited about my box.

Maybe that should be a winky smilie? “I’m really excited about my box. ;-0”  It’s almost salacious that way, isn’t it?

That is all.

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About DavisMcDavis

I'm Davis McDavis. Oprah loves me, this I know, for my TV tells me so.
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7 Responses to Steal My Sunshine

  1. roarz says:

    if you had went to a doctor to get your SADness diagnosed, would he or she have written you a prescription for a light box? i like to think so.additionally, shouldn’t your self-diagnosed SADness have eased by now since the sun is now setting ~8:00 PM?Justice!

  2. Not to bring you down, but you could have gotten your box for only 85 dollars on eBAY, that’s just 9 and a half weeks of your new salary increase.

  3. Anatomicsd says:

    Um…is there any particular reason why you couldn’t use the restroom WHILE Handsome Mr. Goats was flipping his hair?
    I mean…presumably the two of you have had CLOSER experiences than that.

  4. @Anatomicsd – Because that would be awkward and a little gross since (presumably) they’re not into scat play? I don’t even like to be in a stall in a public restroom while my significant other is somewhere in that restroom as well. Of course, I’m extremely neurotic about the whole restroom thing, so maybe the situation you’re suggesting would be a lot less horrifying for other, saner people.
    Raises are funny in that you never notice them right away. Then one day, after you’ve been going around spending as usual, you check your bank account and realize that it’s slightly more full than you expected. But then again, if you’re only getting $9 more per paycheck you have to wonder why they even bothered giving you a raise at all. Oh well. Spend some time under the lightbox (though not too much time or your skin will start turning red. seriously.) and just forget about the raise. Think about the $300 – $600 President Shrub is sending all of us (and try not think about what it’s doing to the deficit.)

  5. DavisMcDavis says:

    Anatomicsd – I truly love Handsome Mister Goats, and I would like him to continue to think of me fondly, and I’m fairly certain that would his continued loving of me have been made much more difficult if he’d had to flip his hair while I was “baking brownies” less than two feet away from him.   How shall I put this delicately?  There’s the issue of odor as well as the issue of sound, and I mean to use the word “issue” as both “a problem” and “something that comes out of me.”  Both take away from the aura of mystery I would instead prefer to keep wrapped tight around my nether regions.   “Bathroom time is private time,” if you ask me. 
    Remember, you dissect human bowels for a living so your idea of “too gross” is very different from mine.  (I’m not really even all that found of being around steak before it’s eaten, I can’t imagine what it would be like to run across a partially digested one in the course of a work day!  But I suppose your raise was higher than $9, so maybe it all evens out? )
    elvesdoitbetter – See, you’re a positive thinker, too!  Have you ever seen Pollyanna?  (And the light box doesn’t give off UV rays, actually – I checked.)

  6. Here some facts (and by “facts” I mean “things I’ve heard and believe to be true, although I have since forgotten the source”:Bush got better/similar grads as Kerry did when they went to Yale together. Professors say they all remember Kerry, he was a real go-getter and somebody who left a mark. Most professors say Bush rarely participated in class and/or can’t even remember him. The verdict: Kerry was that idiot who kept raising his hand and “participating” while the rest of the class winced… the professor made his D’s into C’s because they probably felt bad for him. Meanwhile, Bush cruised along as a C student – without trying hard. Bush got into Harvard Business School after college and graduated in the middle of his class, Al Gore got into Divinity School – where he failed out. Bush’s SATs were higher than Al Gore’sBush is a poor public speaker, who has a habit of tripping on his words. Thus, Bush = Dumb.

  7. Ooh, I am excited to hear about your adventures with the light box.
    I can’t even pee in front of my husband, so I completely understand.

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